1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
