He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
