Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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