This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
This toilet bowl is my home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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