My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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