I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
