It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
