I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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