what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
