what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
