You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
