Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
