New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
