just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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