Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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