Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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