All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
