Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
