Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
