Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
