i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?