i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
