just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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