That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
