How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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