I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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