I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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