i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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