She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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