A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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