Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
