wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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