i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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