Welp...herpes.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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