Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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