I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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