Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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