I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
