...so i touched it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm like, not good at living.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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