The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
