I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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