Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
