I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
