I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
