she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
