My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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