i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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