WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
