My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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