Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
