My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
