I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
