After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
