how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
