you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My brain says no but my pants say off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
